Here’s what it’s like being me for the last 5-6 weeks:
Wake up, roll over, start thinking “finally! Today is the day!” before your body catches up and reminds you that it’s not. The headache kicks in first, making you squint and groan – then, the body aches. It feels exactly like the body aches you get from a flu. A few minutes later, your throat starts to hurt. And then, if you’re lucky, a random body part will hurt as if it’s injured; a wrist, or shoulder, elbow, knuckles…
Nope. Not over yet. Today we battle again.
Swallow 600mg of ibuprofen and some water, try to go back to sleep, fail.
Open Reddit on your iPhone and browse until your bedmate wakes up and wraps you up in his arms. Feel good for a while.
The ibuprofen has kicked in. You still feel unwell, the aches are still there (and so is the headache), but you’re able to get out of bed and into the shower. Every time you leave the bed it feels like a triumph.
Take great pleasure in the warm water. Find pleasure in moisturizing your entire body after drying off. Look at your body in the mirror and try to think nice things about it instead of anger and betrayal. Realize you give zero fucks about your appearance nowadays and just want a regular, operational meat sack to exist in – instead of something that hurts all the fucking time.
Sit at your vanity for a few minutes until the dizziness subsides. Maybe even put on some makeup if you’re feeling up to it.
Get dressed, eat something, head to work. If you’re feeling good enough, ride your bike. If not, try to ride anyway, or get the bus. Riding is always better than not riding, even though it makes you feel worse the next day.
Get to work, take a couple of minutes to compose yourself and figure out what you are (and are not) capable of on this particular day. Take some more ibuprofen.
Work as much as you can until you feel like the aches are taking over, your brain is shutting down, and your body just wants to crumple into a pile. Take some more ibuprofen. Pack up your things and apologize for the millionth time.
Try and do some washing. Try and perk up a bit so as to not bring down everyone around you. Try and make dinner. Quickly run out of energy and scurry up to bed. Wrap yourself in darkness, quiet, and warmth.
Think positive thoughts about waking up tomorrow and feeling better than today. Take 600mg of ibuprofen.
Pass out until morning.
Wake up, roll over, start thinking “finally! Today is the day…”