March 2024: notes

Last time I met my therapist, I told him that a daily meditation practice has felt like something that has been coming for me for many years now. Like a slow-moving tsunami, visible on the horizon – always approaching, and out of my control.

I said “I feel like when it hits, there will be nothing I can do about it, but it won’t hit until the time is right, and I can’t force it.”

Apparently the time was right 5 days ago.

I’m doing this without any expectations. It takes very little effort to carve out the time to practice, but once I start, effort is required. Like exercise, I suppose.

I’m doing it, and staying open-minded and curious. It feels good so far.

We continue to watch genocide in real-time on the internet. World leaders do not listen to us. It feels like nothing can be done to stop it. We do what we can behind the scenes: we talk, we raise awareness, we donate, but nothing ever feels like enough.

By contrast, when I turn away from my screen, I’m living an eye-wateringly privileged life – this home, our love, the support and care of our friends and family.

All I truly want is for everyone to feel this security; to have access to food, water, shelter, love, and safety. The world feels broken when I watch these basic things become out of reach for more people every day. I don’t know what to do about it.

He doesn’t know this, but last night I cried – alone, in the sauna, tears mixing with sweat – because I couldn’t contain my love and gratitude for him. He was creating music, while I wept in a hot cedar box a few meters away.

My greatest fear is for one of us to die before he truly understands the intensity and depth of what I feel for him. This goes for many of my friends and family, too. My ability to fully express love feels stunted, and I’m scared I won’t figure out how to tell people I love them (and how much I love them) until it’s too late.

I need to fix that.

The days are getting shorter. We jump in the car for our morning walks just as it’s beginning to get light outside, and we’re often treated to spectacular sunrises from the top of the local lookout.

Sunrises and sunsets always remind me of how fast time is passing; our star moves very quickly near the horizon.