I have a lot going on right now: there are good, wonderful, and very, very difficult personal things happening all at once, and all of them are exhausting. Despite being mentally, emotionally, and physically knackered, I’m treading water and grateful for the resources at my disposal that make it all a bit easier to handle.
But the news cycle (especially the sudden increase in outright Nazism) has hit me hard. It feels like the cumulative emotional weight of the last 15 years – living in the US, witnessing first-hand the effects of systemic racism and severe income disparity, the divisiveness of COVID and BLM, the never-ending use of identity politics to keep us distracted from environmental collapse, and then watching a genocide unfold in real-time on social media – has finally caught up with me.
In the last few days, the proper unmasking of Nazis with actual, global power seems to have been the proverbial straw that broke my back. The constant fear that Australia will do its usual American cultural copycat routine is suddenly louder than usual.
I’ll admit it: I’m scared. If you know anything about World War II, you should probably be scared too.
I’m not looking for sympathy here. I’m uncomfortably aware of the optics of a privileged white woman complaining about the emotional toll of living in a system that – so far, despite being totally broken – has mostly served to make her life easier.
By global standards, I’m doing better than great: I’m employed, physically healthy, and safe. I have access to healthcare and professional mental health support. I have emotional sanctuary with an incredible partner, and a wonderful network of friends and family. My employer actively encourages me to take time off whenever I need it – to care for myself or my family.
I’m also white, cisgender, and in a heterosexual marriage; things that shouldn’t make a difference to my safety, but sadly do.
I’m privileged enough to be able to stick my head in the sand and ignore the news forever (if I wanted to). But I can’t do that. People who look the other way because they think they won’t be affected by fascism is exactly how fascism takes hold. As a species, we know this. We have stories, photos, videos, museums, memorials, death camps, and generations of trauma to prove it.
I’m going to (yes, selfishly) exercise my privilege and take a moment to step away from engaging too much with the news cycle, so that I can focus on supporting the people in my immediate circle who need me right now. Juggling my responsibilities along with work and a major life change is eating up every spare ounce of energy. Burning myself out trying to fix everything at once isn’t going to help anyone.
But the moment things feel slightly more settled, I’m going to figure out how I can best use my energy and my privilege to actively fight fascism from creeping over and taking root (any more than it already has) here in Australia.
I hate to admit that I’ve seen this coming for a long time.
I’m embarrassed to admit that I naively believed that it would never get this bad. Never again… right? As a species, I genuinely thought that if we mostly agreed on anything, it was this.
I feel stupid, powerless, angry, and sad. But I’m not going to stay that way for long. I’m going to channel those feelings into action as soon as I can. I don’t know what else to do.