As a species, we’re forever perfecting and changing our communication skills. We have this incredible faculty for expressing ourselves through words, touch, body language; we can connect to each other in a way most species can’t. And here we are, using these skills sometimes for art, sometimes to connect with each other, and to learn from each other. We also use them for meaninglessness, small talk, for spreading hatred and misinformation, and sometimes just to kill time.

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I still can’t take my eyes off the sky. Night or day, the reality of endless space never quite registers properly in my mind.

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This city is breaking me, one day at a time. One day I’ll be dancing, drowning in sunshine, laughing and hugging strangers, and the next I’ll be stepping over people – people who need the kind of help that I can’t give – on my way to my warm, dry, comfortable home.

Mental and physical illness is everywhere. The untreated limp through the streets, finding whatever they can to make life more bearable, literally begging for someone to help them find the means to numb whatever burden they’re carrying.

The problem is huge, and I don’t want to hide the problem. I want to fix it. But I don’t know how. I’m part of the tech community here, and we’re being blamed for a lot of San Francisco’s problems. I remember feeling dirty after working in media sales for a while, but for different reasons. I love my job and I adore this crazy city, but it’s killing my heart, and I don’t want to be part of the problem.

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Yesterday, someone posted a video on Facebook of a girl throwing newborn puppies into a river. She grabbed them, one by one, and even in the blurry video you could see the puppies’ feet flailing wildly. My chest felt like it was caving in.

The video was being shared so that the girl could be tracked down, and I hope she’s found and punished, but I don’t understand how people can voluntarily watch something like that without being permanently affected. That image is now burnt into my brain, and will continue to pop up now and again just to remind me of the evil in this world.

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How do we all manage to live on this planet without being crushed by the cumulative weight of sadness and pain? Life, by default, is full of tragedy. At some point, everyone loses something or someone. Everyone has their heart broken at least once. How is it that we’re all able to get up and catch the train to work and go through the motions and not feel at least a fraction of the pain being carried around by the people around us?

Sometimes I look at a random person walking down the street and I involuntarily imagine what kind of things they’ve lived through. Then I look around and realize there’s billions of us, all carrying something.

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I don’t know what to do with my life, but I don’t think that really matters.

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I wish I could close my eyes and teleport to my parents’ house and hug them both.

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Depression is exhausting on days like today, but I’m grateful that they’re happening less often than they used to.